This little thing...
There's this little thing, a thing I have been battling for years, that strips my breath away and takes any control I currently have and rips it away. It can take a utterly regular, rather boring day and turn it on it's head, making it hard for me to sit still, to just breathe. This little thing I call agitation, anxiety, depression, a combination of things really but what it boils down to is... Bipolar Disorder, or manic-depression.
For the past couple of years I have controlled myself as strictly as humanly possible. Working out (I prefer a combination of Yoga, deep breathing and Pilates), eating well, getting outside as much as I can, finding time to sit still and breathe (meditate, if you will. Which is damn difficult when you have to chase a toddler around) to drink less, take vitamins, and do things that occupy my mind. Overall, be as healthy as I can.
Yet, even with everything I do, sometimes I fail. Which can be devastating. When I lose my patience, get upset with my son, or the dogs, or my husband, I feel awful. When I lose what little control I have, I berate myself, make new goals to be better than before. Yet, I know that at some point I will slip, that something will set off another episode and I'll lose ground yet again. This most recent knife edged panic attack was set off by student loan bills. Which many of you I'm sure understand. They won't get better and there is no changing the situation, and yet, each time it throws me into a spiral of unease and stress. The only thing I can do is try to breathe through it and ignore it until the next month.
Sometimes the only thing I want to do is escape. Run away to the very corners of the earth where no one knows anything about me. With my family of course, they are the only rocks I have to cling to.
I have a hard time sitting still in one place for a long time. It's why we've moved as many times as we have. Any time a problem arises I feel like the only way to erase it is to move and start over. We've done this on more than one occasion, and I can tell you, your problems will follow you. I always get a rush when we are in a new place, but it is also terrifying. There are certain days, weeks even that I have completely blacked out as I do not want to associate that person with who I am today.
I am constantly working on this. And because I am constantly working on keeping control, on not allowing myself even a little extra rope, I feel like my creative side has suffered greatly. Because I have to hold it together, to provide for my family, to be a good mother and to be a good wife. So I work in a job I do not really like, hold my tongue about the fact that I work in an area that has no windows or natural light, when that can be detrimental to how I approach each day. I keep things to myself, I do not like to share my problems, and I never use the word bipolar. Because in the past that has turned against me, been used against me and I refuse to allow anyone any power over me.
There is fear, constant and overwhelming in that I cannot keep it up forever. That at some point something will break and I will no longer have any control to grasp on to.
But there is also hope. I have really good days, days when I just breathe, turn my face in to the sun, enjoy every moment with my son, and those precious few I get with my husband these days. We have plans, plans that have yet to make any movement, but plans none the less. I know how to make myself happier, I know how to hold the tempest at bay and I know how to slowly emerge from the dark, even when it has taken everything over. I've done it more than once. I know I have people in my life who fight with me, by my side every day. I know I will not do this job forever (if not because I find something better, but because escape is inevitable ;)
For the past couple of years I have controlled myself as strictly as humanly possible. Working out (I prefer a combination of Yoga, deep breathing and Pilates), eating well, getting outside as much as I can, finding time to sit still and breathe (meditate, if you will. Which is damn difficult when you have to chase a toddler around) to drink less, take vitamins, and do things that occupy my mind. Overall, be as healthy as I can.
Yet, even with everything I do, sometimes I fail. Which can be devastating. When I lose my patience, get upset with my son, or the dogs, or my husband, I feel awful. When I lose what little control I have, I berate myself, make new goals to be better than before. Yet, I know that at some point I will slip, that something will set off another episode and I'll lose ground yet again. This most recent knife edged panic attack was set off by student loan bills. Which many of you I'm sure understand. They won't get better and there is no changing the situation, and yet, each time it throws me into a spiral of unease and stress. The only thing I can do is try to breathe through it and ignore it until the next month.
Sometimes the only thing I want to do is escape. Run away to the very corners of the earth where no one knows anything about me. With my family of course, they are the only rocks I have to cling to.
I have a hard time sitting still in one place for a long time. It's why we've moved as many times as we have. Any time a problem arises I feel like the only way to erase it is to move and start over. We've done this on more than one occasion, and I can tell you, your problems will follow you. I always get a rush when we are in a new place, but it is also terrifying. There are certain days, weeks even that I have completely blacked out as I do not want to associate that person with who I am today.
I am constantly working on this. And because I am constantly working on keeping control, on not allowing myself even a little extra rope, I feel like my creative side has suffered greatly. Because I have to hold it together, to provide for my family, to be a good mother and to be a good wife. So I work in a job I do not really like, hold my tongue about the fact that I work in an area that has no windows or natural light, when that can be detrimental to how I approach each day. I keep things to myself, I do not like to share my problems, and I never use the word bipolar. Because in the past that has turned against me, been used against me and I refuse to allow anyone any power over me.
There is fear, constant and overwhelming in that I cannot keep it up forever. That at some point something will break and I will no longer have any control to grasp on to.
But there is also hope. I have really good days, days when I just breathe, turn my face in to the sun, enjoy every moment with my son, and those precious few I get with my husband these days. We have plans, plans that have yet to make any movement, but plans none the less. I know how to make myself happier, I know how to hold the tempest at bay and I know how to slowly emerge from the dark, even when it has taken everything over. I've done it more than once. I know I have people in my life who fight with me, by my side every day. I know I will not do this job forever (if not because I find something better, but because escape is inevitable ;)
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