Oh great, this again...
I don't speak much anymore about the thing I deal with. It's become a thing. A shadow that follows me around. One I can usually forget about. Except when that niggling little voice gets a stronghold. The little voice you can usually tune out, except, when you can't. I've done well the past few years. Meditating, exercising, eating well, focusing on things I'm interested in and putting all of my energy into my family. This time, I took on too much. Work, family, school, more family stuff (which I, most days, can't handle), we are planning our garden, starting seeds and now we have five little chicks that have taken residence in our garage (all while not totally ok with the landlord but we have a contingency plan). I'm also attempting to continue to nurse Maddie beyond the one year mark, which comes up on the 20th of this month. Despite the fact that she's beginning to (some days) wean herself. Which I'm (regretfully) kind of grateful for.
Can you already see the back and forth, the uncertainty and the certainty? My bipolar has reared its ugly head and I am now cycling. Cycling, in case you were wondering, is a back and forth of manic highs and depression. There are many different levels. Everyone has their own back and forth. Some are more intense and out of whack than others. Over the years, I've learned to control the worst of my demons. Exercise is a huge thing for me, endorphins do the body and the brain good! Eating natural, well balanced food (food that isn't full of hormones, toxins and fake sugars) and getting outside, breathing in the elements no matter the weather are all huge benefits to me and help me control my baser (not so good) impulses. The thing that threw me was that I haven't cycled (well, not noticeably anyway), since before my son was born over three years ago. That's the unpredictability of this less than pleasant problem I have. It's unpredictable. Unfortunately, I know what set it off. Starting classes, adding it to an already full plate and seeing that it's starting to effect my work and home life. I'm starting to question my intelligence because I can't focus my entire energy on it and it is showing in the grades I am earning. I know I took on too much. Over whelming myself was mistake number one. Thinking I could do it all, mistake number two. Not asking for help when I need it, nail in the coffin.
I will finish out this semester because otherwise it's three grand down the drain. I'm excited about the garden and the chickens. It'll make my family spend more time outside and less in front of the tv. No I will not be continuing classes next semester. I have concluded that my kids need to be self sufficient before I go back. That way I'll have the time and energy to devote more of my brain power to my educational pursuits. Have I mentioned that I have not slept through the night in over a year? Ya. And according to my psychology textbook, lack of sleep makes you a bit stupid... yep! My children, my family and my work need more of my attention than they're getting right now. And I plan to fix that. As for the cycling. I'm dealing. With the help of my husband and my mom, some serious planning and control and I should be ok. It's only a couple more months.
What's a couple months in the grand scheme of things? Not a whole hell of a lot. All you have to do is breathe, and love and have some serious faith 😘😉
Can you already see the back and forth, the uncertainty and the certainty? My bipolar has reared its ugly head and I am now cycling. Cycling, in case you were wondering, is a back and forth of manic highs and depression. There are many different levels. Everyone has their own back and forth. Some are more intense and out of whack than others. Over the years, I've learned to control the worst of my demons. Exercise is a huge thing for me, endorphins do the body and the brain good! Eating natural, well balanced food (food that isn't full of hormones, toxins and fake sugars) and getting outside, breathing in the elements no matter the weather are all huge benefits to me and help me control my baser (not so good) impulses. The thing that threw me was that I haven't cycled (well, not noticeably anyway), since before my son was born over three years ago. That's the unpredictability of this less than pleasant problem I have. It's unpredictable. Unfortunately, I know what set it off. Starting classes, adding it to an already full plate and seeing that it's starting to effect my work and home life. I'm starting to question my intelligence because I can't focus my entire energy on it and it is showing in the grades I am earning. I know I took on too much. Over whelming myself was mistake number one. Thinking I could do it all, mistake number two. Not asking for help when I need it, nail in the coffin.
I will finish out this semester because otherwise it's three grand down the drain. I'm excited about the garden and the chickens. It'll make my family spend more time outside and less in front of the tv. No I will not be continuing classes next semester. I have concluded that my kids need to be self sufficient before I go back. That way I'll have the time and energy to devote more of my brain power to my educational pursuits. Have I mentioned that I have not slept through the night in over a year? Ya. And according to my psychology textbook, lack of sleep makes you a bit stupid... yep! My children, my family and my work need more of my attention than they're getting right now. And I plan to fix that. As for the cycling. I'm dealing. With the help of my husband and my mom, some serious planning and control and I should be ok. It's only a couple more months.
What's a couple months in the grand scheme of things? Not a whole hell of a lot. All you have to do is breathe, and love and have some serious faith 😘😉
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